CHOKE

I haven't touched this blog since November last  year ( like anybody will mind it ), a lot of this and that moments has happened, anyway here i am, 23 years old something in the midst of wet April and just had another Rachel Berry's choke moment. What the heck with this Berry's choke moment from Glee season 3?! it's kinda long story but i got long hours to tell ya. If you're Gleek or sort of watching this musical TV series, you would know that there's episode in season 3 titled "choke". It was an epic-fail moment of Rachel Berry ( Lea Michele) who flunked her chance to get accepted in NYADA ( her dream college for zillion years) while she was doing her song which she practically has sung  it for her whole life ( i forgot the title ) in her audition. So, it comes to our sense that how could this ambitious-obsessed bitch threw her only chance to get closer to her dream just like that? It used to be nothing more than sometimes you-need-to be-thrown into the deepest cliff to know how important to climb out of this and really mean to be on the peak-sort of that message. Furthermore, this just to remind us that you will always find any kinds of troubles that get in a way of your pursuing dreams trial. Hell Berry,  before I'm associating the Berry's choke moment to mine, I'll try to give a brief intro first. I've been working in Japanese company for 5-straight-months ( I've told you in my previous post) and to be honest, other than money, I TRULY HATE THE JOB, sorry God, I'm not playing ungrateful bitch and whining kid role, but I DO HATE IT. Nothing's wrong with the job nor the colleagues, but still deep down my heart I knew it's not my destiny, I'm not supposed to be there. Worse, every time I go to the office which located in Sudirman but close Blok-M, I have to keep my sanity and ability to survive in the most crappy-chaotic public transportation called Commuter Line. I feel like having horror in every single attempt to reach my office by using this mothafucka train. It's getting worse when they changed the train schedule on April 1st, so I have to get up earlier in order to get a chance to get on the train. FUCK. Apparently the horror doesn't want to knock me down once, this April's schedule is also torturing me at my  home way in the  evening. I'm completely dead-walking bitch 5 days 7 to 9 these past 5 months. I knew I had hoping to be employed in my last post, but now I feel terrible ( sorry God if  I'm being such an ungrateful bitch). The Coca-Cola's interview didn't go well, I flunked the chance to be accepted in US scholarship ( they even sent me the rejection letter ) so I ended up in that company for these last 5 months. I'm trying to keep up with the work ethics and rhymes but still have to work my ass off to do so. I finally chose to bend my numbness into the hunts for books and scholarship. I've read some books and most of them not so my preference, yet there some of it were the real deal. At least, I got lotso vocabs to learn and keep my sanity. Scholarship, I'm in the middle of processing my Chinese Hanban scholarship. I'm not really into China-Studying though, but I wanna this scholarship, so I could get out of this boring routine which gradually killing me inside for a moment. In order to apply this Hanban scholarship, I need to get HSK and HSKK certificate ( It's like written and oral TOEFL for Chinese ). I heard that HSK 5 is kinda hard to pass, so me and my fellas took HSK 4. The result was coming this afternoon, and I'm so close to say bye-bye to my application cuz I only got score 181 points ( Pass standard score is 180), It was such a long sigh moment. I did cry, mostly because I knew I'm completely mess, an epic loser who probably won't go anywhere with my petty score.Yet, I have to carry on when the application itself has been completed 99 %. This moment has been sucking up my hope, my source of happiness to stay away from the boring routine or I gotta say the real sweet escape for me. It's totally a real slog, real loss too. I knew I could have done lot better than this, I could have gotten a lot better result than this and keep blaming the computer system when I was doing the written test ( It's totally a massive factor why I got this so low score ), still it won't change anything, the fact that I'm so fricking dumb. Here the choke moment occurred, Rachel Berry, the magnificent yet obsessed singer who has sung for her entire life and totally root to the music, could meet failure and rejection, even the major one, so it's not that impossible to be happened on me. I'm not trying to compare my eagerness to study in China with Berry's passion in music which totally in the wide gap, but still the magnificent still find the failure and no wonder a person like me, the average one, have to experience the failures. Damn, I'm mumbling. Here I am, trying not to hope so much and suppress my eagerness to be pessimistic with my future.